Residents in D2 are showing up in huge numbers in doctor’s offices asking for surgery to remove what they describe as unbearable pain.
The Public Health Department was inundated recently with residents reporting that they will miss their soon-to-depart Council Member (CM).
Residents report they cannot get relief. “We used to go down to Aquatic Park for a quick dip and get some protective effect until the next City Council meeting, but they fixed the tide tubes,” said Ecoli Foreva, a long time resident of D2 and natural healing enthusiast.
City of Berkeley Health Officer Dr. Ronna Arnot is at a loss to explain the sudden appearance of this epidemic. “We have no name for it,” she said. “My staff have been calling it Cheryl Nostalgia Syndrome (CNS). Our biggest concern right now is community spread beyond D2 – the Council Member has been hugely popular with residents across the city.”
Public Health staff acknowledge that CNS has not been observed in humans before and they fear it has the potential to spread beyond the city. “This may be another world-first Berkeley can be known for. If this spreads globally it will secure our city’s reputation as the place where everything starts” said one staffer. “We could change the signs at the city limits to identify Berkeley as ‘CNS territory’,” Dr. Arnot added.
There are steps the public can take according to Public Health staff. “People not familiar with the outgoing D2 Council Member are advised to refrain from exposure to any video of city council meetings. We expect this to have some protective effect, against CNS,” said Dr. Arnot. She also intends to recommend that the city permit the one-term Council Member to serve in an honorary role in the new City Council for as long as the case count keeps rising. “That way they can watch their beloved CM cast doubt on the election results, and argue that the recently-approved City Council salary increases be applied retroactively. It’s a two-fer,” she said.