Citing a lack of sales tax receipts from the COVID-induced plunge in retail activity, the City Council passed an item authorizing the City to issue permits for all nude entertainment in the Elmwood beginning in January 2021. Multiple operators have expressed interest.
The measure passed near unanimously, with CM Davila abstaining.
“We need to make it rain up in here,” said CM Rashi Kesarwani during a seven hour hearing about the matter. “Someone’s got to go bottom’s up,” added City Manager Ridley-Williams, “and it shouldn’t be our pensions.”
In order to satisfy social distancing requirements, dancers will perform in parklets lining College Avenue. “We should use lampposts as stripper poles,” offered Vice Mayor Hahn.” Staff objected, pointing out that the lighting from those lamps isn’t very good.
The City Attorney added that having operators erect their own poles would release the City from liability during the stripper pole exercise classes operators will offer from 10 a.m. to 12 p.m., when the otherwise round the clock clubs pause before the lunch rush. As a community benefit, Elmwood residents will have priority in class signups, with seniors at the front of the line.
Incumbent business owners expressed enthusiasm for the new business model. “We’ve offered delectable sweets for years,” commented the proprietor of a beloved candy store. “Strippers named Candy can subliminally boost sales.” “Our bank has screwed a lot of customers,” noted bank manager Fred Tory Lender. “They’ll fit right in.” Elmwood restaurant operators expressed pleasure at the news that they’ll jointly operate parklets with strip club owners. “COVID has really spanked our business models,” noted one. “We’re excited to have partners in turning the other cheek.”
In lieu of a Champagne room, lap dances will be performed in tents, also in parklets, along Ashby Avenue. “Strip clubs are often located along highways,” noted CM Bartlett whose expertise was on full display during the debate. “Route 13 is thus an appropriate location.”
“It’s going to get wild down there,” noted CM Wengraf. “I’d like to direct the revenues toward wildfire prevention.” Elmwood’s CM Droste was having none of that during the debate. “The Elmwood has pressing needs as do City employees; my colleague needs to find other ways to help her residents tend to their woods.”
Strippers are essential workers according to a statement provided to The Bunion by the Berkeley Health Department. They are required to wear face shields during lap dances and will wash their hands between clients.
“We all know that many retail businesses may not survive the pandemic,” said Mayor Jesse Arreguìn. “Strip clubs will fill that gap in the Elmwood and eventually along Solano Avenue. I expect this will continue after the pandemic subsides: these businesses are the future of Berkeley and I believe that they will be Amazon-proof.” Citing the importance of buying local, the Mayor added that he would be spending much of his recent 75% pay hike supporting the dancers. Vice Mayor Sophie Hahn pledged to join him.