THIS STORY HAS BEEN UPDATED 12/8 7:23 AM
Although some residents flocked to Berkeley to enjoy free love, free speech, free thinking and tolerance for a wide range of ideas, Berkeley has also long enjoyed its global position as the capital of telling other people what to do. This has created a dichotomy in its population and is a constant source of strain between residents. Long term Berkeleyan Neked Oldenguy stated, “some folks here want to live and let live while others just can’t get enough of telling other people what to do.” He went on to say, “It’s like that old bumper sticker, ‘welcome to Berkeley – now stop doing that.'”
The pandemic has created the perfect venue for Berkeley scolds to indulge their totalitarian tendencies. Vice Mayor Sophie Hahn, self appointed champion of scolds everywhere stated, “Berkeley scolds are having a moment during this pandemic. They can, without any fear of reprisal, tell everyone what, how and when to do it when it comes to participating in public activities.”
Avid outdoor enthusiast Lev Methefalone said he was recently traveling down Spruce at 30 feet per second when from across the street 35 feet away, a woman yelled at him to pull up his mask. “As far as I know there is not a single documented outdoor transmission of Covid 19 from 35 feet at 28 miles per hour. I have a mask to pull up on my rides when I am in close quarters on the trails in Tilden, but this was totally absurd, disconnected from science, and as far as I am concerned the demand came from an unhinged individual. If you are that worried, maybe it is you who should stay inside.”
Vice Mayor Hahn disagrees, “This is a pandemic, and despite your well reasoned argument Mr. Methefalone this scold is well within her rights to tell you what to do. I support her and other scolds everywhere.”
“I have never felt so much absolute joy in my daily scolding” stated Bossy McLenihan. “When I am yelling at others to stop driving SUVs, or scolding them for not bringing their own to-go containers, I know I am putting myself in a slightly awkward position. I know I am right to do so, but never know what the response is going to be. With the pandemic, masks and distancing, I can scold with complete impunity. It is magical.”
UPDATE
Councilmember Kate Harrison reached out via phone, email, text and finally arrived on this reporter’s door step to get into this story. It was the equivalent of the 4th grader in the front of the classroom with the answer to everything and their hand up anxiously trying to get the teacher’s attention by expressing, “me, me, me, I know it, me, me, me…” So, in light of that, we are giving Councilmember Harrison an opportunity to add to this story. Said Harrison, “It’s like the time I got a heat pump and wanted everyone to know how much I care about the environment. Remember, when I got council to pass a law forcing people to stop using gas throughout Berkeley. Well, I think this is the same type of thing. As a Berkeley scold, and, by the way, I take umbrage to the notion that Vice Mayor Hahn is the only Champion Scold, I can’t wait to work on more legislation that punishes Berkeleyans for behavior I find inappropriate.”