Ask The Bunion is a periodic column offering expert guidance to our readers. Questions are welcome at BunionBerkeley@gmail.com This week’s advice columnist, T.O. Payne is an unlicensed podiatrist operating out of a sprinter van on Solano Avenue. Cash only!
I am a long time patron of the Cheese Board on Shattuck, but I notice Chez Panisse has $28 pizza on its COVID takeout menu. Some is as much as $35!! As an avowed socialist, I’m concerned that I am stabbing the Cheese Board Collective in the back. Worse, my walk home from Chez Panisse will take me right by the line at the Cheese Board and I will be judged! What should I do?
WAlk of Shame Predicted
Dear WASP,
Your challenge is a common one in Berkeley: how to enjoy the fruits of consumerism without doing so conspicuously and being forced to move to Walnut Creek. After all, even socialists like a chewy crust and we all know there is none to be found in the hell on earth that lies on the other side of the tunnel.
For help with your predicament, I contacted retired CIA spymaster Cole Vert.
“Disguises could be an important tool for WASP. Something distracting, such as a Gavin Newsom mask would be a powerful form of indirection when entering Alice Water’s elitist stronghold. If you’re on the heavier side, a Donald Trump mask could work just as well. For the ladies, Angela Merkel or Gal Gadot would draw the requisite stares from across the street at the Cheese Board.
After you collect the pizza from Chez Panisse, travel around the block and transfer the slices into a bento box or similar reusable, virtuous container. Hide the disguise and make your way to Cheese Board.
If asked why you’re not getting their pizza tonight, flash your bento box and explain that you stopped at Party Sushi for some Monterey Aquarium certified mackerel sashimi. Then loudly proclaim your disbelief that Alice Waters would serve Gavin Newsom after that French Laundry debacle.
Bid your comrades farewell and head on home to revel in the fruits of your unearned privilege, WASP. Good luck!