A Turkey Patrol officer calms traffic on one of Berkeley’s rare surfaced streets
The first phase of the new Berkeley Department of Transportation (BerkDOT) has begun with the deployment of Turkey Patrols throughout the city.
Charged with traffic calming and vehicle inspection, the Patrols are stopping vehicles at random locations. As a commitment to addressing the historical inequities of policing outside of Berkeley, the colorblind birds are most heavily deployed in the Berkeley Hills.
Activist and ornithologist G. Obbler led the initiative from concept to implemention. “Defund the Police is a bird brained initiative,” said Obbler, “and so this was the logical response. Also, the turkeys were patrolling already so it was really just a matter of aligning interests.”
Turkey Patrols operate at zero cost keeping the city’s financial resources available for sworn officers. Obbler points out that this expansion of the pumpkin pie creates a win-win. “The Defund people get deracialized traffic enforcement by colorblind fowl and the rest of us keep a fully funded police department to deal with the crime befouling our city.”
Breaking the logjam is expected to stem the attrition of BPD officers demoralized by plans to Defund. As for the Turkey Patrols, staffing levels are not a concern as the officers are self-replicating. “Nepotism is usually a concern in most organizations,” said City Manager Williams-Ridley. “But the benefits of leveraging family relationships to staff the Turkey Patrols were simply too compelling to pass up on. Even training is provided for free through compassionate parenting.”
Traffic Calming and Vehicle Inspection
A Turkey Patrol officer inspects the emissions on a late-model vehicle
Speeding vehicles are responsible for most of the moving violations in town, and so the Turkey Patrols are expected to slow traffic by wandering into the street in random locations.
Residents plagued by speeders can use strategically placed gardens to encourage the officers to patrol their area more intensively. This arrangement can be mutually beneficial as turkey fertilizer replenishes the soil of those same gardens.
Much crime in the city is committed by so-called “commuter criminals” driving vehicles with untraceable dealer tags. Turkey Patrols can perform stops without deploying weapons other than their razor sharp talons and sharp beaks. And while they are unable to fly, they can outrun their human counterparts.
The Police Review Commission endorsed the Turkey Patrols immediately. The Commission’s chair was particularly effusive. “In handling complaints against officers, we always try to extract our pound of flesh. Now we can eat the whole bird.”