In an email broadcast to the residents of District 4, Councilmember Kate Harrison announced that she has severed all ties with President Donald J. Trump.
“I cannot, in good conscience, maintain a connection with this president or his campaign,” Harrison wrote. The events of January 6th were horrifying, heartbreaking, and the time has come for me to cancel this man. Like Senator Lisa Murkowski, I want him gone.”
District 4’s NextDoor neighborhoods lit up immediately after Harrison’s announcement. Residents were clearly confused: “what ties did she have to sever?” asked Poet’s Corner Reiki master Chad Overbee. “It makes no sense,” commented McGee Spaulding erotic chocolate artisan Laura Avenatti. “Kate borrowed my knitting needles to make a pink pussy hat. I’m reeling!”
The Bunion reached out to Harrison to clarify her statement. “Companies and other public figures were getting a lot of positive press from their announcements, so I figured I’d hitch a ride on that train and sever my own ties,” she explained. “It turns out I didn’t have any, so I just called the White House and when an operator answered, I said ‘we’re done’ and hung up. That’s when I sent the email.”
Informed by an aide that somewhere in D4, a fully functioning adult was enjoying a candy bar and a coke without shame, Harrison ended the call.