City Council Considers Sanctions
In one of the largest acts of civil disobedience in recent memory, city residents massed in North Berkeley to protest Chez Panisse’s annexation of Cesar. Throngs of demonstrators with signs reading “We Want Paella” and “Community Over Profit” denounced Alice Waters for her “culinary aggression” against an independent dining establishment. Waters indicated the move was necessary as Cesar has always been a part of Chez Panisse and there were reports of deviants next door working to undermine the integrity of the “slow food” movement. Cesar’s manager vehemently denied the acquisition, and indicated his team were just “tapas loving people who make a wicked negroni.”
Some of the Cesar faithful vowed to defend against the “Waters’” aggression armed with bottles of rose. The Berkeley City Council considered swift action with member Bartlett proposing to cut Chez Panisse off from crypto currency block chain ledgers. Council member Hahn, apparently caught between Alice Water’s endorsement of her campaign and support for “everything local,” abstained from the vote.
In an effort to alleviate concerns over the escalating crisis, Mayor Arreguin held a press conference to remind residents that Chez Panisse does not have any microwave ovens, and he stated, “there is no risk of the situation going nuclear.”
There were additional reports of gourmands rallying at the Spanish Table on San Pablo where paella pans live. These individuals vowed to join the fight for Cesar given their extensive experience making paella. Recent Chez Panisse customers reported seeing the symbol “ez” on the side of the cheese cart.
TheBunion will continue to track this developing story.
Update March 9, 2022: An independent journalist reports: The Association for Avocado Toast (AFAT) the Duck Confit Federation (DCF) and the Truffle Oil Oligarchy (TOO) are all placing sanctions on Chez Panisse as we speak. With everyone protesting in front of Chez Panisse, who’ll be left to protest for the shutting down of the US oil & gas industry?
